I often have negative intrusive thoughts, and try to combat them with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (which shares an acronym with another thing). The basic idea is to examine the negative thought and check whether it actually makes sense or is fair. It often works well for me. If I have the thought that
My friends hate me.
I might respond with
My friends often ask me to hang out, rarely refuse when I ask them to hang out, and always say how much they enjoyed it, so they can't hate me that much.
This doesn't always stop the thought from resurfacing, but it stops it being quite so upsetting and lets me dismiss it more easily in the future.
But the thing about CBT is that it’s a way to shine the light of truth on thoughts that are in some way untrue. You have to believe in the rebuttal, and it has to actually rebut the core of the original thought (or at least disarm it - sometimes the best response is “so what, that’s not so bad”).
There’s one I’ve been having trouble with, which I want to verbalise as
No one will ever love me.
This is false; my family and friends love me and tell me so regularly. A much more accurate translation that loses something in intensity is
I will never find a partner.
I can think of a few responses to this:
That’s not so bad.
I mean, I’m doing okay without a partner, but it seems important enough to me that I don’t know how to dismiss it, or if I can, or should.
Some people have wanted to date me.
Not many and not for long.
It’s not 0%, there’s got to be some chance that I’ll find someone.
Sure, but what's that chance? My gut says it's low, and I know I should correct for my lonely pessimism, but how much? I can't put any number on it, let alone anything objective.
If only there were some way of getting other people to help me out with that.
Some relevant info:
I had a few relationships back in my school days, but nothing serious and nothing since then. I’m 25 now.
I’m on Tinder, Bumble, and OKCupid, but I can’t get the hang of them. They’ve gotten me one date in 3 years. Messaging on dating apps feels to me like trudging through knee-deep mud with weights around my ankles, and I'm not sure why.
As always, if there's anything more you want to know that's relevant to the market, please ask.
CBT is really good - I mean therapy, though the other thing too - the example you gave of friends - i relate strongly to that. it's mostly a framing problem and verbalizing/writing why I feel this or that way does help me understand it better.
Lonely pessimism isn't always so bad. Dating apps are quite a hit or miss because most people are interested in low-effort conversations; being witty helps. I've been lucky to meet cool people through them, but I'd not recommend it for relationship search. "I will never find a partner" also makes me feel that you are the one who is searching, it is also possible that someone else finds you (falls for you before you do for them) - how well will you be accepting of that will depend on how vulnerable you are willing to be. Goodluck :)
This is less on the chances of you getting a relationship, and more advice.
I was in your position about 5 years ago, when I was 25, and I was really sad about it. Tinder, Bumble and OKCupid just felt like a little part of my soul dying each time I had some investment and then got ghosted.
What helped me was reading 'Models: Dating women through honesty' about how to be yourself and express that.
It's not a very long book, it's from before the real rise of online dating, it's a good read. Hit me up on discord for a pdf.
I really like this idea and I think I independently derived it! Seems like a good sign that this method actually works for some people under some conditions.
Once upon a time, I was fresh out of college and got my first job offer at a startup called Everlaw. Austin encouraged me to try to negotiate a higher salary from them, and pointed out that large salary discrepancies in tech can result simply from some people asking and other people not asking. But I was still afraid that they would rescind my offer. Finally, he offered to bet me that it would turn out fine. I thought for a second, and then my fears disappeared.
Betting is powerful - certain uncertainties are less scary than uncertain uncertainties.
Of course, you aren't often going to be able to find enough bettors for your market to be super accurate on everything that worries you, but you can simply choose to think carefully and precisely about those things too, as if you were going to bet on it.
Hmm, one thing I think is worth saying is that just because you dont have an immediate good rebuttal for that one specific intrusive thought, doesnt validate it any more than the others.
How many new women are you meeting each month and interacting with in a setting that could potentially lead to something?
just because you dont have an immediate good rebuttal for that one specific intrusive thought, doesnt validate it any more than the others.
True! Important to remember that, and that it's coming from my own anxiety rather than anything sane. Just means it hangs around more than usual, I guess. Except now I can throw 93% market odds in its face!
How many new women are you meeting each month and interacting with in a setting that could potentially lead to something?
The main way I meet new people is through my theatre projects, which only happen once or twice a year. And most of the women seem to be taken... probably only a few eligible ladies per year. Unsurprising I haven't had much luck when I put it like that...
@NcyRocks online dating is generally a waste of time. Doing more cool stuff IRL and befriending the women (who are single or not single) is the best way to meet women. If you're close friends with a woman but aren't a good match- she will set you up if she knows someone. Being friends with women also really helps with that instinctual need for female validation. But it has to be a real friendship not just one based on trying to find a partner.
My friends @IdaMayer and @Marsteralex are working on a dating coaching service specifically around helping men with apps/early-stage dating -- you might enjoy talking to them! I've spent many hours chatting with them about my dating woes, and would vouch for them having many wise things to say on this topic. Here's a description of their services; lmk if you're interested and I'd be more than happy to connect y'all~
@Marsteralex Hi! You can email me at nathan@nathanyoung.nz or I'm NathanY#6778 on Discord