"This broadcast is brought to you by the Calibrate Broadcasting Corporation."

"Hello, folks. It's me, Calibrate, ready to start off the 2024-25 Premier League season with all of you.

"A legendary competition like this deserves a legendary prize. That's why, after months of planning and effort to make it all work, I've come up with the perfect trophy -- the MacGuffin.

"The MacGuffin obeys two simple rules:

"If the team with the MacGuffin wins or draws a Premier League game, it keeps the MacGuffin.

"If the team with the MacGuffin loses a Premier League game, it cedes the MacGuffin to the winning team.

"That's it! The team who ends the season with the MacGuffin wins it. Isn't it great?"

Murmurs ripple through the live studio audience.

"Okay, settle down, folks. One more announcement.

"I have thought a lot about which team should have the honor of starting with the MacGuffin. But I've made my decision.

"To begin the 2024-25 Premier League season, I'm pleased to present the MacGuffin to..."

The TV set turns black; there is only static.

I will not bet on this market.