The Biotech Bard’s Tale of Eternal Youth
The Fellowship of Longevity
Jose Luis Ricón – Class: Wizard of Theory (Meta-Science Archmage). Alignment: True Neutral. A data-driven sage who traded his tech career for aging studies, once leading the grand “Rejuvenome” quest (a $70M research initiative) . Stoic and analytical, Ricón speaks in hypothesized runes and footnotes.
Lada Nuzhna – Class: Epigenetic Sorceress (Self-Taught Alchemist). Alignment: Chaotic Good. A visionary young visionary who “vowed to take only the minimum of leisure…to redirect the path of human life away from death” . Charismatic and intense, she channels impassioned oaths (literally from a utopian pledge) as spells, having raised over $34M (through Impetus Grants) for age-reversal enchantments .
Matt Kaeberlein – Class: Cleric of Rapamycin (Health-Priest of Aging). Alignment: Lawful Good. A kindly professor from the Academy of Pathology, preaching that advances in arcane science could let common folk live to 100–120 in good health . He blesses meals and critters (including his faithful canine companion) with anti-aging serums, speaking softly about “evolutionarily conserved mechanisms” while wielding a holy wand of metformin.
David Sinclair – Class: Gene Mage (Resveratrol Warlock). Alignment: Chaotic Good. A Harvard-sorcerer famous for co-authoring the legendary tome Lifespan: Why We Age – and Why We Don’t Have To . Always seen in a hoodie and glasses, Sinclair touts rare resveratrol potions as “as close to a miraculous molecule as you can find” . In battle he mutters about epigenetic codes and NAD+. Quirk: constantly tries to activate sirtuin deities in the midst of combat.
Bryan Johnson – Class: Life-Paladin (Cultist of the Blueprint). Alignment: Lawful Good. A disciplined knight who sold an empire of coin (payments tech) to fund a do-or-die crusade against aging (the infamous “Project Blueprint”) . He follows an ironclad regimen (vegan diet, pureed foods, daily journaling) like sacred rites, once even taking monthly blood transfusions from his own son to try to slow time . Bryan zealously vows to outlive dragons, proclaiming he’ll live to the year 2140 – the last Bitcoin halving .
Alex Zhavoronkov – Class: Artificer of AI (Gadgeteer Wizard). Alignment: Chaotic Neutral. A techno-sorcerer from the realm of Silicon Valley, fluent in machine tongues and visions of cryostasis. He proudly conjured the first deep-learning aging clock and runs legions of robotic familiars in pursuit of longevity. Alex is obsessed with cryogenics (“We’ll have a renaissance in cryobiology by 2030” he boasts ) and has a habit of speaking in bullet lists of scientific goals mid-battle.
Adventure Recap
The scene opens in Genetown, a high-tech metropolis of gene labs and petri-dish taverns. Our party, brought together by fate (and Twitter threads), convenes in the Moonshot Inn. The air smells of pipettes and fresh Pasteur brew. DM’s Note: This session-style recap follows our unlikely heroes on their quest to dangle the carrot of eternal youth before the gods (and maybe a few goblins).
The Ancient Library of Telomeres
Ricón the Wizard pores over dusty tomes in the Grand Library, searching for the “Fountain of NAD+.” He’s flanked by Sinclair, reciting from Lifespan and insisting he found a “miraculous molecule” (resveratrol) in an old scroll . Lada, on the other side, is sketching epigenetic runes on parchment and muttering “how do we stay?”, an ancient mantra from her quest logs . Matt the Cleric consults a talking dog (“Sage, the Canine”) about rapamycin rites. Bryan the Paladin measures potion ingredients in precise grams while quietly humming, “I’ll be 18 again for only $2M a year,” referencing his iron-willed blueprint regimen. Alex the Artificer taps a crystal interface, conjuring an AI familiars that analyzes every book in seconds – a smoky, holographic aging clock materializes above the spellbook .
Suddenly, the library quakes as Dungeon Managers (the equivalent of evil librarians) attack, hurling volumes of bad health advice. In a flurry of arcane writs, the party fends them off. Ricón counters with the “Rejuvenome Ray,” a beam referencing his own $70M Rejuvenome quest . Lada casts “Impetus Implosion,” blowing dust out of old alchemical charts – an ode to her Impetus Grants war chest . Sinclair gobbles an emergency resveratrol pill mid-spell (despite its debunked bioavailability) , convinced it’s essential. Bryan performs a ritually measured kneeling prayer over a glowing vial of NMN, possibly to block a clock (true story: he tracks his own aging score daily). Matt chants a somber blessing and sprinkles holy rapamycin (bitter on the tongue, miraculous on life) . The librarians retreat, their books unchanged, but the heroes note that even library security follows the same aging rules – overdue notices still hurt souls over 30.
The Alchemical Banquet
Victory means loot – in this case a grand feast of superfoods. At the table, Bryan meticulously portions out his food: a plate of mashed fava beans, kale microgreens, and an 11-part nutrient shake. He delivers a stirring monologue about “living until 2140” , which the others interpret as his divine quest pledge. Lada throws grapes into her mouth while lecturing on epigenetic therapies: “We must rewrite DNA codes like spells,” she declares, quoting her personal vow to live forever . Alex samples some cauliflower – “This would taste better freeze-dried in space,” he remarks, already sketching a schematic for cryogenic delivery systems . Matt pronounces a blessing: “By the Green Raptor, I hope you all live to 120,” referencing his public hope for extended healthspans . The table erupts in a biotech pun-off: Sinclair jokes, “Don’t worry, if you overeat, I’ll CRISPR out the issue,” while Ricón dryly notes, “I’d prefer source control over any rogue goblin genes.” Even in merriment, each is inadvertently lecturing the inn’s patrons on molecular biology and life-extension.
The Rift of Cell-Towers
Our heroes journey to the Rift of Cell-Towers, a canyon where broken phones sprout bioluminescent fungi. Here, a band of Virus Goblins attacks – humanoids with snot-green code streaming from their ears. The cleric Matt and paladin Bryan charge, healing potions (and organ meats Bryan snuck) glowing. Lada uses her staff to cast “Epigenetic Gust,” rewriting the goblins’ cough patterns, causing them to sneeze their gibberish spells back at them. Sinclair conjures a NAD+ whirlpool under a Goblin Leader, who sputters as if deprived of energy. Ricón recites a page from his Nintil diaries, causing a magical barrier of peer review to form. Alex unleashes miniature robotic med-drones that scan the goblins for antigens, zapping them away with precision. In the end, they discover the goblins’ hoard contains an ancient bottle labeled “Vivix Elixir – battle-tested, not backed by wizard advice.” Sinclair frowns, recalling how once he resigned from a board promoting that very potion . They toss it – the irony of an actual Sinclair name on a snake oil – into a portal.
The Temple of the Telomerase
Guided by Ricón’s maps, the party approaches a temple built from gigantic DNA helices. Inside, Crone of Chronology, an ancient sorceress, challenges them to a duel of wits. She demands they explain aging myths. Lada steps forward, delivering a fiery soliloquy about pursuing life “toward the stars,” echoing the oath she once scrawled . The crone tests Matt with a puzzle about lengthening canine lifespans; he recites facts about the Dog Aging Project (which he co-directs) and leaps up, “If dogs can live healthier longer, why not us?” imparting rapamycin tablets to the audience. Bryan offers the crone a pureed blueberry shake (his latest longevity mix) while speaking reverently of “personal science and devotion” – a direct callback to his public devotion to data-driven self-improvement . David whispers a lullaby in biochemistry language, mentioning Yamanaka factors to gently reverse the crone’s own wrinkles. Alex flicks his gadget wrist, projecting an AI hologram of future medicine. The temple’s doors fling open; the crone bows, convinced they might indeed cheat death.
Inside the inner sanctum, a great stone Tarrasque of Aging awaits: centuries of chronic disease given monstrous form. The battle is epic: Bryan blocks its claws in sacred, measured stance, chanting nutritional codes. Matt calls down a Rain of Rapamycin, slowing the beast’s regenerative hiccups. Sinclair bravely dashes under its tail, pouring a bottle of NAD+ serum into its mouth, hoping to reboot its epigenetics. Ricón creates an “AI Firewall” to confuse the beast’s telemeterically controlled telomeres. Lada rides a flaming pharmacy chariot (enchanted via Thielish rituals), strafing it with “CRISPR Lightning.” Alex deploys a robotic swarm (“PandaOmics Patrollers”) analyzing the creature for weak spots ; they discover a target on its liver and unleash a nano-sniper. Finally, Ricón casts a culminating spell named “Meta-Science Modulation,” derived from his Retro Biosciences formula, temporarily age-reversing the Tarrasque into a young, confused lizard . With a collective cheer, the party wins.
Epilogue: The Party’s Eternal Path
As dawn breaks, the heroes return to Genetown as legends. The innkeeper raises a toast of kombucha. Each adventurer reflects on what they gained: Ricón updates his blog, noting the adventure’s data, and jokes about adding a dash of elf longevity to his Rejuvenome hypotheses . Lada posts on her wall of epigenetic accolades: “First successful co-op raid on a DNA dragon. Next: rewrite aging itself.” Matt writes a pamphlet: “100 Lifespan Tips from the Temple of the Telomerase”. Sinclair updates his Twitter with “Experiment success!” and a picture of the party with a unicorn (because, why not). Bryan logs every heart rate and enzyme level from the adventure as “Game stats,” planning how to optimize next session. He quips, “I’m already charting us living until 2140 – who’s in for the next level?” Alex uploads a YouTube vlog from his drone, titled “AI vs. Tarrasque – Epic Boss Fight: Analysis & Cryogenics Implications.”
Thus concluded the biotech-themed campaign session: a merry blend of magic, science, and tall tales. Our intrepid party may not be immortal yet, but they managed to make the journey both educational and hilarious (plus a little bit dangerous). After all, in a world of aging paperwork and senescent skeletons, sometimes the best spell is a good joke – or at least a Life-Paladin with a blender full of veggies.
Characters and their quirks were inspired by the real-life work and commentary of the Longevity Six (with a healthy pinch of DM license).
1,000The Biotech Bard’s Tale: Genes, Gerontology, and Goblins
In a world where magic is science (and lab coats are wizard robes), even longevity researchers become adventurers. We recast real-life scientists as D&D heroes: Matt Kaeberlein – a University of Washington professor known for aging research – is a surly Warlock of Rapamycin, while David Sinclair – a Harvard genetics guru – is a crafty Gnome Druid of Resveratrol. Even Lenny Guarente (MIT Novartis Professor of Biology ) looms as an ancient demigod of sirtuins. The party includes Lada Nuzhna (Impetus Grants founder, who once allocated $34M to aging science ), Jose Luis Ricón (the meta-science Wizard who funded the $70M Rejuvenome longevity project ), Bryan Johnson (entrepreneur and Kernel founder -turned-Paladin of Perpetual Youth), and Alex Zhavoronkov (Insilico founder -turned-AI Artificer). Each character has a D&D class, alignment, and a quirky persona riffing on their real-world mojo. The adventure below reads like a Dungeon Master’s recap – full of dramatic spells (Rain of Rapamycin, Sirtuin Surge, Resveratrol Storm), DNA-dungeon mayhem, and fourth-wall-breaking academia jokes.
The Heroes of Youth (Characters & Classes)
José Luis “Nintil” Ricón – Human Wizard (Chaotic Neutral). The metascience mage who once dropped out of tech to tackle aging . Now his spellbook is a stack of papers and blog posts (the famous Nintil, of course). Quirk: he insists on citing everything mid-adventure – even spells come with footnotes.
Lada Nuzhna – Elven Sorcerer of Epigenetics (Lawful Good). Physics-and-CS prodigy turned longevity funder (Impetus Grants co-founder) . She wields alchemical gold (literally tossing coins to fund spells). Quirk: micromanages every potion like a grant application, insisting “all grants, all glorious!” before battle.
Matt “Rapamycin” Kaeberlein – Dwarven Warlock (Neutral Good). A heavyweight biogerontologist (UW Pathology professor ) obsessed with the magic of mTOR inhibitors. His flask of rapamycin is always at the ready. Quirk: lectures allies on dosage mid-fight and uses his trusty Rain of Rapamycin spell to slow foes’ cell cycles.
David “Resv” Sinclair – Gnome Druid (Chaotic Good). Harvard genetics wizard with a penchant for antioxidant potions. Always chipper, he sprinkles Resveratrol Storm around the campfire. Quirk: debates every encounter as if editing Nature, and wears a cloak with grapevine embroidery (a nod to his xenohormesis theories).
Bryan “Blueprint” Johnson – Dragonborn Paladin (Lawful Good). Tech tycoon turned self-experimenter (founder of Kernel and OS Fund ). Wears circadian armor and wields a sword shaped like a giant test tube. Quirk: constantly tracks everyone’s biometrics (“I’ve optimized your hit points!”) and often delivers victory speeches as if pitching a startup.
Alex “Alchemist” Zhavoronkov – Half-Elf Wizard (Chaotic Neutral). AI bio-alchemist (Insilico founder ) who programs golem-like potions with generative algorithms. Quirk: speaks in code and occasionally asks his familiar, ChatGPT, for advice mid-quest (“/askGPT: How do we slay this mutant fibroblast?”). His spells have names like Generative Genome Gun and Plasmid Phoenix.
Leonard “Lenny” Guarente – Ancient Druid Archmage (True Neutral). The veteran lord of longevity (MIT Novartis Professor ). In myths he’s the “Father of Sirtuins.” Quirk: appears only in crises (or at scientific conferences), speaking in yeast parables and old-lab jokes. His ultimate spell is Sirtuin Surge, a mythical revival that “rejuvenates” his allies (and gently scolds the youngsters).
Campaign Recap
The Gene-Splice Tavern – Meeting of the Minds. The party convenes at the PubMed Inn (walls covered in chalkboard gene diagrams). A lab assistant’s anti-aging potion splashes on the floor, spraying instant wrinkles everywhere – even the bonsai fern in the corner ages a decade. José furiously scribbles arcane equations in the air to model the cloud’s dispersion, while Bryan uses enchanted calipers to measure the new crow’s feet on the inn’s tapestry, joking about “peer-reviewing” the effect. Lada chants “All grants, all glorious!” to channel a dispersal spell, neutralizing the wrinkle smoke. Matt and David quietly debate whether this counts as successful intervention for their quest log or just another footnote in their research notes.
Act I: The Splice of Eternity – The Telomere Tower. Clues (involving telomere patterns and coffee stains) lead the team to the legendary Telomere Tower, where the Chimeric Chalice of Youth is said to be hidden. Inside, a puzzle lock demands the answer “Mendel” before the door opens. The heroes then face bizarre biotech guardians: PCR Elementals that replicate themselves with every strike, and a Ribozymal Dragon that breathes fire encoded in ACGT. Matt unleashes Rain of Rapamycin to slow the dragon’s raging metabolism, while David counters with a Resveratrol Storm that boosts the party’s vigor. Lada conjures a funded inhibitor turret from thin air, and Bryan wields his chronometer blade in perfect synch with the circadian flow. Together they outwit a Schrödinger Sphinx (whose riddle is a quantum biology pun) and reclaim the Chalice of Youth.
Rivalry Rising – Kaeberlein vs Sinclair. Deep in the Genomic Caverns, tension boils over into a magical clash. Matt indignantly summons a Macroautophagy Blast, bellowing “Rapamycin is the one true brew!” David parries with a dazzling Resveratrol Vortex, snapping “Your rapamycin’s fate is as dim as my last NAD+ assay!” The cave trembles as Rapamycin Rain collides with the Resveratrol vortex overhead. Lada raises an eyebrow, muttering that this spectacle should be peer-reviewed before publication. Eventually the DM steps in with a grin: “Clearly an unresolved controversy – roll for better data!” With that, Matt and David begrudgingly lower their staffs and call a temporary truce (the first step toward co-author harmony).
Act II: The Machine of Mitosis – The Silicon Sprawl Biolab. The heroes infiltrate a gleaming corporate lab – a biotech “castle” owned by a venture-capital overlord. Bryan poses as an audit inspector examining the dragon-scaled PCR machines, while Lada sweet-talks a boardroom gargoyle (a Venture Capital dragon-statue) into investing in their quest. José attempts an Arcana (Academia) check by quoting an ancient thesis abstract, inadvertently summoning a Socratic philosopher homunculus that begins cross-examining everyone. Meanwhile Matt and David slip into the server room and hack into the mainframe’s data: they discover the CEO has been pumping half-baked youth serum through defective clones. Enraged, the lab’s core assembles into a gigantic Mitotic Titan (a cell-synthesizer golem). Matt fires a CRISPR Cascade salvo, Sinclair unleashes a Sirtuin Surge to disable its senescence shields, and Bryan cleaves it with his pulse-ox sword. With teamwork (and a dash of peer-review burn magic), the Titan collapses – revealing a hidden portal down to Lenny Guarente’s secret research sanctum.
Clash of the Longevity Titans – Lenny’s Revelation. From the swirling portal emerges Leonard Guarente himself – the legendary Archmage of Aging (MIT Novartis Professor of Biology ). He congratulates the party and grants them a taste of Chronon Cleansing (an ageless blessing) but insists on one final test. In a flash, he conjures holographic yeast and demands Matt and David each feed it kale as a proof of epigenetics knowledge. Before they can ponder the reference, an enormous Chronophage (a “Time Eater” construct) bursts into the lab! In the ensuing battle Matt, David, and Bryan pour every ounce of knowledge into spells: Bryan activates his Blueprint Blessing (perfect circadian-rest healing for allies), David launches a NAD⁺ Barrage, and Matt delivers a mighty Telomeric Slash. At the last moment, Lenny adds his own Sirtuin Surge, instantly erasing the Chronophage with a flash of regenerative green light. The monster dissolves into confetti of base pairs – and the chasm beneath them reveals a glowing PNAS-printout portal (the gateway to the next grand project).
Epilogue – The Quest Continues. With the Chronophage vanquished, the lab falls silent. Matt and David at last clink their NAD⁺ flasks (gesturing to share the last few drams) and agree that perhaps both rapamycin and resveratrol have their place – even drafting a joint grant proposal title on a parchment (to share the glory). Bryan paces excitedly, logging every bit of biometrical bonus he gained as “Project Blueprint milestones,” while Lada quietly updates her Impetus Grants ledger with a note for a new longevity study. Lenny the sage vanishes in a swirl of old yeast aroma, leaving behind a single clipboard scrawled with “More studies needed! (BYOB: Bring Your Own Bench).” The DM smiles and closes the session: “Congrats, you survived a night in biotech-land – now prepare for the next grant cycle…” The party laughs, breaking character to plan their post-game conference banquet, already arguing about whom to list as first author on the epic tale.
This recap embraces the science and silliness of an exaggerated biotech fantasy. You’ll spot spells like Rain of Rapamycin and Sirtuin Surge, DNA-themed dungeons (PCR elementals, Telomerase Tower, Mitotic Titan, etc.), and constant nerdy one-liners about lab life (“peer-review” checks, grant funding, Silicon Valley hype). It’s a wink-and-nod adventure where academia meets D&D – and the real-life heroes wield beakers as boldly as any broadsword.
Sources: Real-world details about these characters’ work and affiliations are woven into the narrative for authenticity (though the story itself is pure fantasy)!