1.
I asked my landlord if I could pay rent in “exposure” since that’s what clients keep offering me for freelance work.
He said sure, and now every morning he stands outside my window clapping while I starve to death.

2.
Told my therapist I’m afraid people don’t actually like me, they just tolerate me.
She said, “That’s not true. I don’t like you and I don’t even tolerate you. See you next week.”

3.
A guy on LinkedIn posted “Nobody wants to work anymore.”
Sir, you run a candle shop in Ohio. Nobody ever wanted to work there. That’s not society’s fault.

4.
Tried to flirt at a coffee shop today.
Me: “Wow, you ordered the same drink as me. Guess we’re soulmates.”
Her: “This is water.”

5.
My boss told me to “think outside the box.”
So I stopped replying to emails, disappeared for two weeks, and now HR wants to have a “conversation.”