1. So I bought a planner to get my life together. Day one, it asked me to “set goals.” Buddy, if I could do that, I wouldn’t need you.

2. I love how my phone says “screen time.” Like it’s a crime scene report. “You were here… all day… and nothing got done.”

3. I tried eating healthier, but every recipe starts with, “This is super easy.” Then step three is, “Harvest fresh thyme from your garden.” Sir, I live near a gas station.

4. People say, “Money can’t buy happiness.” Yeah, but it can buy convenience, and I’m very conveniently happy when I don’t have to talk to anyone.

5. I set my alarm early to be productive. All it did was give me more time to be tired. That’s not ambition—that’s overtime exhaustion.