What does one say to your parents when fully coming out to your parents?

Ṁ804

resolved Aug 12

ALL

29%19%

An explanation of how much happier you are since starting your transition with concrete examples of how

20%13%

Supporting evidence

13%8%

That you are doing it. I guess it isn't up for debate, so be chlear about that. I guess you don't want your relationship to change, so reassure them. If you have the energy, create space for them to ask questions.

8%5%

That they don’t have to fully understand everything about your transition right away, they just have to love and support you through it

8%1.8%

A vague transition timeline

8%15%

Reassurances that you are not changing/dying

7%5%

What is gender dysphoria/euphoria?

5%0.7%

Reassurances of love

2%1.1%

I am what I am.

2%0.4%

If this is higher than its twin, a request to change name/pronouns after coming out to the extended family

2%0.6%

What has happened so far?

0.0%

If this is higher than its twin, a demand to change name/pronouns

0.0%

Baby don't hurt me

0.0%

An explanation/overview of gender not as a property but as a general cluster

29%

I don't actually know how I can help but I'm here to subsidize this market.

0.0%

Sexuality-based explanation

0.2%

i hav smol pp

I've talked to them about this, but I've noticed that I can't seem to word things well in person. I have been trying to draft a letter for some time now. Suppose you have 10 pages max to convey information, and that there are not strong religious influences at play except in the extended family. For maximum context, I am a 25 year old trans woman in a PhD program. My dad is an atheist professor who has had trans students. My mom is a nurse who lives in her rural hometown. I will resolve to the answers I feel are most insightful, with a vaguely defined number of shares. I'll try to do that roughly by "how important is it" vs "how difficult is it to explain"

Get Ṁ200 play money

🏅 Top traders

#	Name	Total profit
1		Ṁ74
2		Ṁ40
3		Ṁ33
4		Ṁ28
5		Ṁ24

18 Comments

56 Trades

Sort by:

Any objection to resolving this early?

answered

An explanation of how much happier you are since starting your transition with concrete examples of how

@JoyVoid Probably the worst possible option. Happiness leads to many bad choices.

I have friends who underwent HRT and now go "they them" and don't identify with either gender because it made more sense to them. Would it be easier on your parents if you went that route? Would that be something to consider? Is it more important to you to be treated as (target gender) or more important to be not treated as (out of the box gender)?

@XidaRen Considering how my mom dealt with the idea of a nonbinary person in the past ("Okay, but what are they really", "what's in their pants", lowkey mocking the idea) I doubt that will work better. I do know that she's at least been supportive of binary trans people on TV, though

I don't really know that I have a desired outcome more specific than "minimize pain on all sides"

answered

I don't actually know how I can help but I'm here to subsidize this market.

@Conflux response: "what do you mean you wanna subsidize the market? isn't the pharmaceuticals market big enough???!!" - - Olivia's dad, probably.

answered

I don't actually know how I can help but I'm here to subsidize this market.

@Conflux oh no XD

answered

I don't actually know how I can help but I'm here to subsidize this market.

@XidaRen I’m now imagining Olivia using this line with her parents.

answered

I don't actually know how I can help but I'm here to subsidize this market.

I've went through shit with my parents, but less about gender and more about religion. They eventually calmed down and were okay with things, but the process was painful, annoying, and somewhat still affecting the way I interact with people and especially more senior people in my career, which wasn't nice... I don't know shit about gender and transitioning but I hope things play out well for you.

answered

An explanation/overview of gender not as a property but as a general cluster

@JoyVoid to be clear, I mean fortunately for ease of explanation. My mom doesn't seem to believe nonbinary identities are real

answered

Sexuality-based explanation

bought Ṁ5

This works best if you're attracted to men, and if you think they'd be accepting of you being gay. For many people approximately your parents age, they understand the narrative of coming out as gay much better than they understand the narrative of coming out as trans (which is to say they understand it a little as opposed to not at all). So framing it as something like "I'm attracted to men, and I want them to be attracted to me as a woman" might make them understand. Disclaimer, depends on particulars a lot, probably doesn't work as well if it doesn't ring true for you.

answered

I don't actually know how I can help but I'm here to subsidize this market.

@XidaRen um, holy cow, thank you!

answered

Reassurances that you are not changing/dying

bought Ṁ10

It was hard to sum up this one in a line. I feel a lot of the apprehensions of parents towards their child's transition is that they think they are "losing their son/daughter" or something along those lines. A reassurance that "it's still you" but happier and feeling more in tune might help them view your transition as something that is not dire

answered

An explanation/overview of gender not as a property but as a general cluster

@JoyVoid Fortunately I seem to be more on the binary than most trans folks I know. I guess in my head gender has always been a 2D thing, if we aren't trying to capture fluidity. It'd be something like ratio of felt male:female and total strength felt. I think that kind of explanation could reach my dad, but probably not my mom. Her views on femininity are quite odd to me. She seems to think that all women are roughly as practical and androgynously-dressed as she is, but that's just not the case

answered

An explanation/overview of gender not as a property but as a general cluster

bought Ṁ1

Faire warning: am agender, my parents never "got it" and are uncomfortable but tolerating it. My siblings are more proactively accepting of it I think that a big reason for the awkwardness and tension is that people are viewing male/female as a switch/binary variable, so it clashes with their experience. Maybe something to explain that gender experience is varied and is more in a cluster with its many axes could help them better accept it

Just to know that i answer meaningfully, what would an ideal outcome look like?

@JoyVoid Ideal outcome would be that I have a good relationship with my parents in 1 year, that they call me Olivia, that they are less against the idea of me transitioning in the first place, and that they are less uncomfortable talking about it. I want to be able to have an honest conversation with them again, but also not have them feel alienated. I don't know that that's achievable, but that's the ideal