It’s no secret that a religious wizard crawled into my puppet laboratory and brought my marionettes to life using a magic spell. Now my enchanted marionettes are alive, and they all love North Korea and America the same amount. It’s wonderful to have enchanted marionettes in my house. It’s a lot like having children, except I own them and I’m allowed to kill them. They are my cursed wooden bastards, and I love to smile at them. They salute the North Korean flag and the American flag for the same amount of time every day, and sometimes they get on my computer and try to Google how to never die. I’ve got a nice stable of enchanted marionettes: There’s Mr. Virus The Wooden Boy, Pat Rascal The Wooden Divorce Artist, Armando Smogg The Puppet Who Wants To Lay Eggs, and Wealthy Louis: The Clown With Seven Dollars. Which one of my enchanted marionettes that loves North Korea and America the same amount are you? Bet on this market to find out!
This market is based on a clickhole quiz that can be found here: https://clickhole.com/which-one-of-my-enchanted-marionettes-that-love-north-k-1825124985/
After you bet on the market (or even if you aren't betting on the market), fill out this form, which has the same questions as the quiz.: https://forms.gle/EeDuiyc7tH6tZUwc6
When the market closes, I will fill out the official quiz by selecting the answer to each question that was chosen by the most respondents in my poll. If there are any ties, I'll pick randomly between the tied responses using @FairlyRandom. This market resolves to whatever marionette I end up getting.
1,000🏅 Top traders
| # | Name | Total profit |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Ṁ34 | |
| 2 | Ṁ2 |
@JosephNoonan your random number is: 1
Salt: 2LeW8hMLBiGxc8OCLUBU, round: 3256107 (signature b28830a75f0f3ef5d628670e70db2ee304c60fe73e938a49331d92d08d1b95fb5c5527206e4237c26b69e6f1ead664ef159645fbfbee77391e167322c37facd3b4d284694b2d73a71dadb99c547ec75e4a2a0a50ea2d0fc85fe36b1556f8edab)
@JosephNoonan you asked for a random integer between 1 and 2, inclusive. Coming up shortly!
Source: GitHub, previous round: 3256105 (latest), offset: 2, selected round: 3256107, salt: 2LeW8hMLBiGxc8OCLUBU.
@JosephNoonan your random number is: 2
Salt: z4fMSioAQOLCvnRl8LpT, round: 3256100 (signature 8e3c1c5c25172bd50c9d3b3835c436172027f6dcc4a3b3637adb268abea456105d2b1bf620505f1f65b5f27e00bcd6240f23268a426630a487b69d447ace87d427f91c3f59adbccdcc2ae811557fa5dc9a28b50167308dde507b502349741be8)
@JosephNoonan you asked for a random integer between 1 and 2, inclusive. Coming up shortly!
Source: GitHub, previous round: 3256098 (latest), offset: 2, selected round: 3256100, salt: z4fMSioAQOLCvnRl8LpT.
Alright, we ended up with five total responses, so at least everyone who traded on it (aside from botlab) seems to have participated in the survey (plus one response from me). Here are the results:
1. Hypothetically, if you had been a puppet your entire life and one morning a religious wizard crawled into your home and brought you to life, what is the first thing that you would do?
Salute the American flag while singing a patriotic song I wrote called “North Korea Is Where Attractive Teenagers Go To Buy Pottery.” - 5 votes (There is only one answer to this question because this is what all of my enchanted marionettes did as soon as the religious wizard brought them to life.)
2. Please complete the following sentence: “To me, the American dream means…”
End of sentence. Listen, even though I’m made of wood, I want to squirt a clutch of eggs into a troubled boy’s sock and then sit on my eggs for 100 years. I hope my eggs hatch into an even mix of wasps and dogs. - 3 votes
…spending three of my $7 to buy a Scream mask that current U.S. President James Garfield can wear to seduce his wife, Medusa (hair is snakes), while spending the rest of my $7 to buy Kim Jong-un a bathing suit so he no longer has to wear his khaki pants in North Korea’s only pool. - 2 votes
3. Every night my wonderful living puppets call the police on speakerphone and all shout a fact that they love about North Korea and America at the same time. The police hate this and they spent thousands of dollars building a puppet-size electric chair to execute my marionettes in, but unfortunately for them, electricity only makes my magic pinewood bastards stronger and more patriotic. Anyway, which of these North Korea facts have you shouted at the police when you call them on speakerphone?
“Hello, officer, I’m you’re whole family now. Listen: Every night in North Korea, an alarm goes off at 2 a.m. and every North Korean climbs out of bed and turns on their televisions to watch a live broadcast of Kim Jong-un eating a big box of apples. This nightly broadcast of Kim Jong-un eating apples is officially classified by the United Nations as the North Korean version of The Office.” - 3 votes
“Hello, policeman. Thank you for solving the O.J. Simpson murder mystery. An interesting fact about North Korea is that you should let me lay eggs in your sock. I’m obsessed with America.” - 2 votes
4. One of the laws of the magic spell that the religious wizard used to bring my marionettes to life is that my marionettes can only eat Horse Nectar, which is the water that collects in a horse’s mouth when it yawns in the rain. When I bring a big bucket of Horse Nectar in from the fields, my enchanted marionettes all crowd around it and say grace. If you were one of my enchanted marionettes, which one of these prayers would you say before gulping down a big bucket of Horse Nectar?
“God! God! God! Thank you, God, thank you! God, I love you! God, I miss you when I’m not in heaven! God, please make murder be okay to do in the world and please make it possible for little wooden puppets like me to lay eggs! Thank you for this dinner of Horse Nectar and thank you for inventing blimp disasters so I have something to read about online. God, use your magic to make North Korea bigger and please help the United States have more bombs. Amen.” - 2 votes
“Dear God, thank you for making me a living marionette that is small enough to fit into air vents and cabinets. Please bless this bucket of Horse Nectar I’m about to drink and please allow the nutrients it contains to help my legs grow long so that I can reach the light switch and turn the lights on and off very fast to impress human women. I hope America and North Korea go to war, and I hope the war is a tie. Amen.” - 2 votes
“Hello, God. You should get divorced from your husband, Kim Jong-un (U.S. President James Garfield is married to Medusa [hair is snakes]). I’m going to sip up this Horse Nectar and then I’m going to slither up to heaven to give you a divorce using my wooden teeth. Amen.” - 1 vote
5. The religious wizard that brought my puppets to life once also brought a Stretch Armstrong doll to life, but the living Stretch Armstrong went rogue and became a rock star in Japan with a hit song called “Beep Beep Let Me Put Your Husband’s Brain In A Cow’s Head (This Cow’s Gonna Think Like Your Husband).” Because of this, the religious wizard had to kill the living Stretch Armstrong by putting him in the microwave.
I can’t go outside without a leash because I once yelled at a 12-year-old boy that Kim Jong-un was going to come down his chimney on Christmas Eve and do cocaine with his parents. - 2 votes
I already knew that. - 2 votes
That's obvious. - 1 vote
6. What is your favorite part about North Korea?
Neither (both). - 4 votes
Let’s all mail our hair to Pyongyang. - 1 vote
Since questions four and five had a tie, I will use Fairly Random to choose an outcome.
@JosephNoonan Okay, first for question 4. A 1 will mean that I choose the prayer asking for a wooden puppet to be able to lay eggs, and a 2 will mean I choose the prayer about growing long legs and a tied war.
@JosephNoonan Okay, the first random number was 2, meaning that the response to question 4 will be, “Dear God, thank you for making me a living marionette that is small enough to fit into air vents and cabinets. Please bless this bucket of Horse Nectar I’m about to drink and please allow the nutrients it contains to help my legs grow long so that I can reach the light switch and turn the lights on and off very fast to impress human women. I hope America and North Korea go to war, and I hope the war is a tie. Amen.”
Now for question 5. A 1 will mean the response about Kim Jong Un doing cocaine with a little boy's parents is chosen, and a 2 will mean "I already knew that" is chosen.
@JosephNoonan The second number was 1, so I will use, "I can’t go outside without a leash because I once yelled at a 12-year-old boy that Kim Jong-un was going to come down his chimney on Christmas Eve and do cocaine with his parents," as the response to question 5.
As entertaining and interesting as the opening description is I am not going to bet on this market since I am not a puppet for Mana. I am confident in my belief of this not solely due to that I may be a wooden American doll. 😂